On ne voit bien qu’avec le couer. L’essentiel est invisible pour les yeux. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears. ~Native American Proverb

I'm scared. Period.

I'm leaving it. Selling, donating, and giving away almost everything I own to follow a path that will lead to an unknown outcome. That scares me  to such a degree I have a difficult time articulating the scope of fear I feel. To follow a voice inside of me that has been muffled for far, far, too long. On one hand, I'm scared that leaving the work force at a pivotal point in development and advancement opportunity will be damaging for my career and my long term earning potential. But on the other hand, I feel such an internal dissonance, I cannot continue to remain in such state of being. So that being, I am taking the risk. I have been saving a substantial portion of my gross income for quite some time, and while financial insecurity is a big fear of mine (note the trend of fear), I'm making a calculated gamble and feeling thankful I have a financial cushion to support my step out. While quite a few more steps have to be made and I won't receive confirmation of the current plan (this would be Plan D-2 of my life, D being my PhD) for about 4-5 more months, there is a very strong likelihood (not 100% confirmed but all, current, indicators are my new reality will be) I will be living in Fiji this time next year. Living in a much reduced standard of living than I am accustomed to, so far out from my comfort zone I don't even have a word to describe how much my world will be rocked, and living in complete service to others and channeling as much moxy as I will be able to muster.

My mother is already having some of her own anxieties about me moving so far, but to her credit, she is supporting my choice. She is my biggest cheerleader and advocate, and is behind this move of mine, in spite of the sacrifice that means to her for me to be so far away and with reduced access to communicate with me. Whereas Truman sought Fiji for its removal from his life, Fiji came to me. So I am going to follow.

I'm fucking scared. But it's time for me to get really uncomfortable. Because, I surpassed the magic American salary that is supposed to bring happiness and contentment, and although I am a generally happy woman, I'm not content. I can do more than this.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Dreaming of Fiji

Louisa May Alcott is attributed with stating the following: "I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship." Humph - isn't that good, in theory. As a PhD, I know all about theory and application. I also know I have not taken my ship far from port, and incurred damage from drifting in too close to the shore and rocky bottoms.

I have an acrylic cube of 2" X 2" cards, upon all, are written would you rather type of questions. One card question has remained with me through the years. Something along the lines of: would you rather have a life of uncertainty and adventure or a life of quiet safety? While a part of me is comforted with the idea of safety and security, I am almost always in some sort of unsettled state. And, my truth is, I have been ignoring a life I want to have for so long. For so long I have been settling and reassessing and resettling and finding myself in a very comfortable, outwardly appealing life in a rather comfortable middle class lifestyle. I work hard, and I have worked hard, to create a very stable, financially secure, socially satisfactory, generally healthy life.

I am not rejecting my life or my lifestyle. I am TRULY and earnestly grateful for my blessings. I do not, for a second, believe I am entitled to any of it. And while I have a career in which I am able to contribute to a positive, life-altering, outcome for many people, while the character of the work is uplifting for me, the nature of the work isn't compatible for my long-term well-being. So I'm making some changes. And stepping far out from my comfort, and radically blowing up this life I worked so hard to build. 

Friday, October 30, 2015

Never Gets Old


When I was a little girl, I could quote Splash, for I was so in love with Madison the Mermaid. As a grown woman, I can quote Annie Hall, for I am so in love with everything that is Diane Keaton - she occupies a majority of my Girl Crush Pinterest board and I lost my mind when meeting her this year - I squeaked. A grown woman. Self sufficient. And I squeaked. I'm so ashamed.

.... and the other reason of my obsession (yes, yes, ok, ok, I cannot get enough of - and sort of find comfort in - the massive neuroses occupying Woody's characters). Really... don't ever let me get started. Your only blessing for brevity in this message is I have to wash my greasy roots and get my butt to work. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Video iChat with Coffee

Truth. And, this is why I'm single. Because my patience for bullshit... non-existent.


Sunday, October 25, 2015

“But would you kindly ponder this question: What would your good do if
evil didn't exist, and what would the earth look like if all the shadows
disappeared? After all, shadows are cast by things and people. Here is the
shadow of my sword. But shadows also come from trees and living beings.
Do you want to strip the earth of all trees and living things just because
of your fantasy of enjoying naked light? You're stupid.” ~Mikhail Bulgakov, The Master and Margarita